Escaping Sonata
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Best Friends.

So, I just spent all day with my two best friends… yet I go to bed in tears.

First, we have the girl I love. I do so much to make her happy, but its never enough. She’ll never be happy with anything I say or do. She never cares and makes it obvious. She constantly assults me with sarcastic insults, to the point in which i’m not even sure what is serious. Yet she loves me? Makes no sense.

Next, is my other friend, who feeds off of her attitude. He joins in on her ‘humor’, bringing up past arguements and petty aggravation that she and I have had. He is there when we argue, and can be helpful in a solution, but will be quick to bring them (and sometimes the feelings) back up.

Now, I understand the whole night wasn’t awful. When I wasn’t being attacked with sarcastic bullets, we did do fun things. But I wish my best friendswouldn’t be the people who insulted the most. Even sarcastically, it still hurts. It still brings me to tears at night. I feel like a punching bag sometimes, like they’re seeing how far they can bend me before I snap. Seriously, I can’t ever recall any person insulting me more than they do, even sarcastically, and they’re my best friends. It blows me away.

Actually, I can’t really even remember the last time anyone REALLY built me up. Sad Life. Tears.  Friends are supposed to build you up and make you stronger. Best friends should do so much more. I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to be alone in this world.

Sometimes my friends can be so awesome… thats why they’re my friends. I don’t know what changed… maybe its me? Idk. I’m just starting to find more satisfaction in solitude than company. People always hurt you, but just as much they build you up, where is that? I don’t feel it anymore. Sometimes I just want to be alone, but i’m afraid of staying alone.

I’m always running back to Him, knowing His arms are always open for me. To cry into His shoulder when my heart breaks. I’m so thankful His love never fails. He’s always telling me how incredible I am, how deserving I am, how much He loves me, how grateful He is that I am His. I’m glad He’s always there for me. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone.

you know, you are going to fall in love, and everything you’re feeling right now in this instant won’t matter then, because you will hold that person’s hand and their fingers will feel so good in between yours, and you’ll notice how they look at you different than everyone else, and you’ll know without a smidge of doubt that you’re supposed to be there with those eyes, sitting there and brimming over the edges with more laughs and smiles and warmth than you can hold steady, and you’ll see that the parts of waiting and the parts of being alone were just steps that led you to the heart that was waiting for you to love it unconditionally. and you’re going to sit there and wonder why you ever thought for a second that you didn’t deserve to have someone like that. i promise, you do. you, of all people, do.

It isn’t easy.

Yet - Switchfoot

All attempts have failed
All my heads are tails
She’s got teary eyes
I’ve got reasons why

I’m losing ground and gaining speed
I’ve lost myself or most of me
I’m headed for the final precipice

But you haven’t lost me yet
No, you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet, yet

These day pass me by
I dream with open eyes
Nightmares haunt my days
Visions blur my nights

I’m so confused
What’s true of false
What’s fact or fiction after all
I feel like I’m an apparition’s pet

But you haven’t lost me yet
No, you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll run until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

If it doesn’t break, if it doesn’t break, if it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break your heart, it isn’t love
No, if it doesn’t break your heart, it’s not enough
It’s when you’re breaking down with your insides coming out
That’s when you find out what your heart is made of

And you haven’t lost me yet
No, you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet
‘Cause you haven’t lost me yet

Moving

Moving, so much like moving on, except I’m moving because my house is gone. Rebuilding, from the foundation. I can’t imagine not having at least the foundation. But I am not satisfied. Sure, it sucks my house washed away, sure it sucks that things won’t ever be the same. But somewhere along the way, my house will be better than before. I will have a better life.

It’s time to rebuild. I have the foundation. I know where the walls go, where the carpet lays, it just takes time. I’ve probably learned nothing from this storm. I love to leave my heart open, it’s who I am. No matter how many people abuse it, I’m probably always going to let them. Just give me the strength to rebuild. No one seems to care much anymore. I just want to go to Masters, leave all these liars and hypocrites behind. I’m so sick. My stomach aches, I think my heart sank into it, my head hurts, the remnants of my house are scattered amongst the lawn.

I know this was for the best. But I still don’t like it. Someone is going to fall head over heels for me someday, and STAY that way. I just hope I don’t get my hopes up. Wow. Look what you did to me. I thoughts had doubts before, I thought I had expectations before… Thanks for breaking me. I find it so hard to believe I get another shot. All I ever do is screw up. All I ever do is sin, taking advantage of your grace, slapping you again as you turn your cheek. I cry week after week that I’m sorry.

It’s going to change. It has to. It’s why you sent your son, why Hell is not my destination. You have plans for me. You have love, comfort, relief, care, attention, forgiveness, joy, honesty, integrity, passion, and you DELIGHT in giving it to me. I’m going to change. Help me build my house according to your foundation. No precarious ceilings, no shaky walls. Solid. Sturdy. Exactly what You want. I’m tired of sadness, disappointment, regret, brokenheartedness, disrespect, hate, and fear. There is no room for that in my house.

My house is going to be revolutionary. I can see the blueprints now. I’ll get there someday, it’s where I belong, where You want me to reside. I know it’s not ready. It won’t be for a while. I can’t build an attic on a foundation. I just want to go to Masters. Now. I hate the wait. The torturous wait, that, it’s going to get so much better. Summertime will be the final goodbyes. I wish it could be sooner. I’ll come back to visit my neighbors, but my home will never be the same.

"I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. "You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." Job 42:2-6

"Indeed now, I who am but dust and ashes have taken it upon myself to speak to the Lord" Genesis 18:27

“‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ Jeremiah 33:3

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" Nahum 1:7

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isiah 40:29

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38

Who Am I?

Today was pretty interesting.. i got a haircut, new shoes, and worked
okay.. not too interesting..
but my thoughts were!

I got home and my mom checked out my shoes, commenting that they weren’t my usual style. what is my usual sytle? jeans and a t-shirt? is that even a style??

Another thing was that i amazed at how different I am at work vs how different I am at school. its like night and day.
Who am i at school? quiet, low-key, deep, reserved, calm,
Who am i at work? loud, bold, impressive, witty, likable…

I got so confused at the line being drawn, the question arose,
Who am I?
Or.. better question
What does that mean?

I don’t know that I even care ‘who I am’.

Everyday is different, anew, and everyday i find myself growing and changing into a different person, who is that person? Who God wants me to be.. i hope.

An example: The Drinking Age, or even, The Legal Age.
a month ago i would’ve told you that it should be more enforced, if risen…
today I would tell you i think it should be lowered. <— why? ask me.

I guess i don’t know who i am, because i don’t want to define myself to a state or quota.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t help me ‘act natural' what is natural for me? is it calm and collected? or is it fun and flippant? i dont know..

this hasn’t been a very productive post… but soon i’ll be going to a retreat designed to find yourself. do i even want to find myself?

who cares about me? i dont. I’m the last person I should care about.
die to myself.
live to serve.

Giving myself a name, a personality, a title, just seems too prideful
Don’t remember me
Things done unseen are seen by God.

What does it matter if people think i’m
smart, dumb, funny, stupid, smart, skinny, wimpy, buff, ridiculous, annoying, selfish, selfless, deep, caring, loving, gentle, harsh, scolding, jealous, unfair, loud, quiet, talented, awful, invisible,

When someone asks who I am, they don’t ask, what does everyone think of you?
they ask who I am. who i think i am.
who do i think i am?

I dont know!!! I’m done caring.
I can’t answer that question.
I’m different everyday.

Nothing is sound.

You wanna know who I am?
Form your own opinion. Everyone else does.
I have no answer for you.

so, my mind has been unsettling lately. so hyperactive.
my attention-span has become that of a squirrel.
I can’t even focus. Thoughts come in and out like my conscious has a revolving door.
I end up casting it all aside. Pushing it all away, longing to escape.

I hardly do this enough: capture the thoughts. I need to find them, address, them..
"befriend the ghosts of all the things that haunt me the most, so they’ll leave me alone, and move on with my life, cause it’ll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest, and leave the world behind."

I’m so exhausted. I’ve checked out. I’m being negative.
I’m living a fake life.
I can’t even be who i’m called to be.
I’m called to love EVERYONE.
When’s the last time invited someone to church?
When’s the last time I stepped up for God?
I know I do things naturally because He lives in me, but I need to be more active.

I’m tired of being this shell, feeling hollow on the inside.
I know what it takes, what people need to see, to appear normal
I know how to survive. And thats what i’ve been doing.

but thats not what I am called to do.

I’m called to thrive, not just survive.
I’m called to shine bright, not hide, out of sight.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of who I am.

I need to get back to whoever I was who
gave sermons, devotionals, and leadership
felt compassion and anguish for the needy
sickened at the sight of immorality.

I’m just a shell of who I was.
I’m too weak, too tired to do this.
I need strength.
I need rejuvination
I need a refreshing revelation of who I am called to be

He calls me “exischuo”
-entirely competent.

He tells me I can do anything, be anybody.

THATS WHAT HE SAYS TO ME.

Yet I roll in my selfpity, waiting for a miracle.

"You are the miracle."

I get so caught up in dealing with things; school, work, homework, church, cleaning, practicing.. I make such a big deal about them. Thats all I keep focusing on. No wonder I’m so sick of it! Seems like a pretty crappy life from the outside too! Yet I’m so blessed.. spoiled even. I have a great room and lovely bed, a good paying job that I work very hard at (which is pretty biblical), I am getting a great education, I have FANTASTIC friends… I’m such a debby downer.

I remember our senior retreat last year.. I was so close to God. I never wanted to leave. I felt at home. Like a dream. I need to escape, rediscover myself, take a vacation.

A friend of mine prayed over me, saying God just might give me one… He hears the desires of my heart. I’ll definitely drink from that cup, but if it is His will, let it pass over me.

Above all, let your will be done. I am your humble servant, ready and willing, at your feet. Make me who you want me to be, craft and mold me into the model of Your Son, which I am called to be. I am exischuo, because you love me.

Escaping Sonata

I guess this is kind of why I started this thing in the first place…

I’ve been listening to a lot of classical music lately and I love it so much.

It’s how I escape. Put everyone aside and focus on how I feel, I bottle it up so much.

The funny thing is, words are so cheap. They change, they are practically meaningless symbols of our emotions.

When I listen to classical, the words don’t show up. There are no words! pure emotion. The forsaken redemption of the moonlight sonata, the homophonic flow of bach’s cello suites, the peaceful weariness of Jupiter, its fascinating. Yet, these words do nothing to describe them.

For me, classical is bringing out who I am. Tugging at my emotions, forcing myself to reflect on my feelings and why I have them.

Words have only gotten me in trouble. Talk is cheap. I know this so well. In today’s music, vocals are always the primary melody. How about every just shuts up for a while? There is so much peace and serenity in silence and in the nature God has provided.

People just want to be heard. But the only way to be heard is to be silent. The only way to see is to shut your eyes. Life is upside down. It seems strange, but so true.

I’m curious to see a quiet world. That appreciates beauty. This world has lost so many values, so many morals, its sickening. I long to see my real home, in all its majesty, glory, and tangible peace.

I imagine the tall golden gates opening, to streets lined with gold, clouds of unknown color glowing in the light of the Son. Brass blazing at the glory of heaven, yet residing to the soft piccolo or gentle piano to His gentleness.

I can’t wait to go to the kingdom in the sky. I wish to escape there somehow, even for a moment. These songs, these sonatas, are an escape. They bring me closer to myself, and You who reside in me.

Its ironic that words can’t describe heaven, yet I try. Words can’t explain my feelings, yet I try. I don’t know what to say, but I at least I know how I feel in my heart.

I love you Jesus, thank you for staying with me.

Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I’m losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics…

This first verse is really just an entrance to the story, not too much relevance, but an intro to your own story…

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

This section speaks to me a little, afraid you’ll see the hurt I’ve kept in my heart. Everything I’ve bottled up. If I ever go back to that state, Lord, help me. It’s no place to live life. It’s desolate and depressing…

Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

This is the prechorus! Pretty powerful and relatable. I pictured, when listening, me and my girlfriend going through temptations. Somehow, I open a window to my past. Showing her my past relationship, showing her: that’s exactly where I lost it. Wishing I could take back the things I did to hurt everyone.

I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

I am sorry for who I was, granted, I know I’m forgiven and repented and it’s a clean slate, but I’m still sorry. I never want to be that person again. I hated being the very person I despised. I took advantage of someone’s weakness. I hate who I was.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn’t keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I didn’t tell anyone. Even when she did, I kept it in. I keep everything locked inside. Sometimes I am afraid to feel. Afraid to let anyone in. I’m getting over it though. Im trusting everyone, whether it hurts or not, but those are feelings for later posts…

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

Things started to fall apart and I started to break.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been.

I never want you to see me like that again. I was lost, confused, hurt… It was scary.

Who I am hates who I’ve been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me…

I hate who was. But YOU gave me a second chance. A redemption, a liberation, from my old self. I promise I’ll be a better man for You, You’ve called me for so much and I’m not going to let who I was stand in the way of who I am.